Continued from here.
Jide stands there, his eyes boring into mine, willing me to answer him…
I sit up on the bed watching him as he absent mindedly adjusts the waistline of his grey Hermes trousers. He still has shaving cream on one part of his face, the other part shaved. I liked his beard.
He comes to the edge of the bed. I follow his steps with my eyes as I pull aside the covers and swing my legs out of the bed.
“Why are you stalling?” my subconscious asks as she rolls her eyes.
Jide kneels beside me. He places one hand on my thigh, the pregnancy test still in the grip of his other hand. I look at the thing. I’d been clutching it when Lo and I came up so I could change ans I’d forgotten to throw it away. Blame the bubbly and the shock. Oops.
Jide: “Say something Buks…”
I attempt to lick my suddenly dry lips but I can’t even manage that, I am too nervous. I place my hands on his and look in his eyes.
Lord help me.
I take in a deep breath.
Me: “I am pregnant babe. Yes we are… We are having a baby.”
I wait for it, I am glued to the bed, unmoving. He doesn’t move either. I feel my fingers shaking, my whole body is shaking. Jide stands up from his position at my feet and I can’t read his expression. He falls into Maami’s Paul Smith chair, his face buried in his palms. I stand up to go to him. This is not quite the reaction I expected.
“You don’t want a baby? I didn’t plan for this to happen.” I said in a small voice.
He looks up at me and stands up abruptly, the chair slides back a little with the force. His eyes are wet and slightly red. He’s crying?
Jide: “What? Oh babe, that’s not… That’s not the…”
He pauses as he looks at my tummy through my black lace nightie, he stretches out his arm and slowly places his hand on it.
My breath catches in my throat as I feel the warmth of his hand on my flesh. My eyes water, the effect he has on me is unreal, I bite my bottom lip to stop the tears from flowing. I would have sworn he’d be thrilled, he always talked about a family, more kids. Right now, he looks scared, like he is too terrified to believe this is real.
Jide: “You are carrying our baby Buks. Our baby! A piece of me and a piece of you. You are carrying her inside you. What’s more beautiful than that?”
My head jerks up as I look at him, feeling confused. I open my mouth to say something in response but he continues before I can utter a word.
Jide: “I would never want to hurt you… not even if my life depended on it, but right now, I feel like all the blood is being drained out of my body. I feel weak.”
What is he saying?
I am lost.
Does he not want this child with me?
Or he thinks I don’t want a child?
Do I appear that vain to people, do I appear vain to him?
Me: “What? What are you saying Babajide?”
He goes to the nightstand, takes a tissue out of the box and wipes the foam off his half shaved face. He looks sad, almost broken. What is going on?
Jide: “I don’t know if you are ready to carry a baby right now, you told me about the last time… But I love you Ibukun, I love you so much, having you have my child is all my dreams come true, but I would never ask you to do something that will be harmful to your health. It is killing me that I got you here in the first place, I hate myself for this. But…”
This time, I fall into the chair, my eyes are wet and I can’t muster a word.
I can’t respond to him.
He remembered… He remembered my miscarriage, the pain, the distress and he is thinking about that first.
What manner of man is this? How can I be so blessed?
He is back standing in front of me and my eyes are fixed to his toes.
Jide: “Buks… baby…”
He squats and places his finger under my chin as he lifts my face and searches my eyes.
Me: “I want to keep him or her too, I don’t want to not keep it. I love you Jide, I thought…”
He lifts me off the chair and swings me around!
In three full circles screaming at the top of his voice celebrating!
I start laughing and he joins in too, still carrying me.
Jide: “Oh baby! You mean that? You really do? Cause I will totally understand, whatever you want to do, I will understand. I promise.”
I giggle and look at his face, he is still carrying me with his hands under my bum so I am way above him. He is so tall.
I squeeze my face as I tease him.
Me: “Are you sure you will understand? Cause you looked like you were about to cry your eyes out just now. “
He looks away, embarrassed. He slowly puts me down and kisses me on the forehead.
Jide: “I love you Buks, I mean it. We are going to do everything right this time, with extra terrestrial attention, close supervision. I am sorry but for the next 9 months I will not leave your side. It is me, you and our baby. You are going to be fed up of me.
I laugh at how animated he his.
Me: “I was scared yesterday, so scared. First that we didn’t plan it and second that I might mess this up… you know… but then…”
My voice cracks as I try to swallow a sob. He wraps me in his arms and kisses me on the lips.
Jide: “Look at me babe. Look at me.”
I blink twice and I look into his eyes.
Jide: “We are going to be fine, we are in this together. Tell me when we have failed at anything? Tell me? We are the Ying and Yang to all problems.”
I smile. The Ying and Yang.
“Besides, we have other things to worry about.”, he says as he takes a step back and wipes his brow.
What is it? Worry about what?!
Me: “Like what?”
He turns his back to me and the back to look at me, worry etched all over his face.
Jide: “A new wardrobe! We have to demolish this whole room to fit your maternity wardrobe, my God! I’m in a huge mess!”
I burst out in a fit of giggles as I look up and stand to punch his shoulder! He laughs too and spins me around again.
Me: “But that’s a valid point babe, we need a new room for my maternity wardrobe. And another for the baby.”
He rolls his eyes.
Jide: “Done babe, done! Anything you want.”
He carries me to the bed and heads to the bathroom. As he walks to the bathroom, he turns around.
Jide: “You’re gonna be so fat babe, I can’t wait to make elephant jokes.”
I open my mouth and gasp in mock horror throwing a pillow in his direction. He laughs and disappears into the bathroom.
The day goes by beautifully and Jide and I eventually make it to the food market with his cook. New diet he says and I don’t protest too much. He is clearly very excited and I wonder for a moment if he was this involved in Regina’s pregnancy or if this is his first time around from day one. He is so hands-on and I giggle as he almost gets into an argument with the shop attendant over Lebanese bread.
I am surprised he even lets me walk around at this rate. I feel like it was up to him I would be in a stroller or inside the food bag, carried around.
Me: “You are being bossy babe, scaring everyone off.”
He transfers his gaze from the attendant and looks at me lovingly.
Jide: “Well if they can’t do their jobs, someone has to do tell them how.”
He says curtly as he smiles sweetly and turns his eyes back on her.
I shake my head and whisper an apology to the visibly scared young lady as we make our way out of the food market.
I look at Jide reproachfully.
“That was mean, and unnecessary.”, I say, as I walk past him.
He follows in my wake and places a hand around my waist. He leans in to kiss me on the neck. I glare up at him.
Jide: “I was just explaining something to her, that’s all.”
I roll my eyes and we get into the car.
Later in the evening, I have to meet up with the girls for dinner at Sky Lounge at Eko Hotel & Suites. I wonder what their reactions will be when I tell them eventually. I’ll also have to call Maami and Lulu. And Rene!
It’s a lot.
Jide and I talked about it and we think we will wait a little, find out from the doctor how everything is look, it there will be complications. If it is safe to carry our baby.
My eyes are tear up.
Jide is sitting beside me in the back of the FJ Cruiser. He takes my hand in his and squeezes it.
Jide: “I told you baby, we are going to be fine. I promise you.”
I nod as he reaches for me, wrapping an arm around me and planting a wet one on my mouth.
Me: :When is the doctor’s appointment again?”
He squeezes my shoulder.
Jide: “Tomorrow, at noon. You don’t have to go to the office right?”
I nod my head.
I pray to God I can carry my baby… It’s all I want right now. To be a mother… to make Jide happy.
What is the doctor going to say?
When we arrive home, I give instructions for dinner and then we go up to get wind down for a bit. I try to pick something out to wear and Jide sweetly tries to help.
We eventually settle on my pink Kitsune jeans with a white Zara top paired with my pink Valentino bag in the same shade and matching shoes.
The whole time my mind keeps drifting to what the doctor might say and my hand keeps straying to my tummy.
Is there a chance it will be too risky to carry this baby to term?
Am I going to have to give her up?
Images – yoox.com, selfridges.com